Bare with me...this is a long post - but it contains so many important pieces of what is shaping our family.
I think it’s important to notate this
year’s events before continuing the blog much further. It has been a pretty epic several months and
they’ve shaped a lot of things in our lives.
I’m thankful for so much and learned a ton over the months. It’s only through the grace of God that we
are where we are today and I would be remiss if I didn’t share in these trials,
tribulations, and successes.
It was a great start to 2012! DH and I decided it was time to finish our
family…we wanted to add one more kiddo to the mix and felt it was finally time
to start trying. Per past experiences,
it’s been pretty easy to conceive so I was planning another
October/November/December baby…maybe November 12th or 15th?? J We made the decision by the end of December
2011 and I stopped taking the generic birth control pill on December 28th. Figuring I would get pregnant in February as
always, we began our journey.
January was a busy month! We went to Disney for our second time
ever. The kids loved it! Unfortunately everyone ended up a little sick
but we still had a great time. The
Bartlett grandparents came with us for their first experience!! It was around that time (mid-January) that I
should have started my monthly curse… but I was too busy having fun at Disney
to pay attention to the date so I never thought much of it.
It was finally the end of January and
it dawned on me that I hadn’t started my curse yet. By now, I was starting to get a little
worried as to where it was. I mean, I
couldn’t have gotten pregnant – I JUST stopped taking the pill a month
ago! But what else could it be?? January 26, 2012 – pee on a stick…. PREGNANT!
Well, that was quick!! I decided
things were just meant to be. So many
things just fell into place. The pregnancy
just felt “right”. I called the OB the
next morning and set up my first appointment.
According to the doctor’s office, I was already 7 weeks along! Wow, being ignorant of the first few weeks of
pregnancy makes things fly by! The doc
set me up to be seen and have our first ultrasound on February 8th…
such a special day to have a great memory like meeting our newest little bean
for the first time! My dad passed away 8
years ago from pancreatic cancer (rest in peace Daddy) on the 8th.
On Sunday, January 29th, I
was feeling some pain in my side. I
thought it might be something I ate, so I just ignored it and went to bed. The next day, the pain was still there and
getting slightly worse by the minute.
Monday came and went and the pain was starting to affect my daily
ability to function. It was at this
point that I became super scared that something was wrong with my body. When I delivered Cole, I had an infection of
the amniotic fluid (chorio amniocentisis)…I thought for sure that had ruined my
body and my entire pregnany was going to be filled with the same pain I had at
the end of my last pregnancy. That’s
exactly what it felt like too…an extreme pain/infection in my side.
Tuesday, January 31st the
pain was unbearable. There were tears streaming
down my face most of the evening. I
couldn’t even cook dinner or stand up it hurt so badly. I knew I had to do something! I figured the best thing I could do was to
call the doctor in the morning and let them know what was up. I stood next to DH crying, feeling like
things weren’t right! I talked to a good
friend that evening and told her I had a terrible feeling I was going to loose
this baby. There wasn’t anything more I
could do than try to get comfortable and get some sleep.
The next morning, February 1st,
I called my OB and left a message with
the nurse. They called back 2 hours
later (forever in my world of pain and anxiety) and gave me some “implantation
cramping” excuse. Since I wasn’t
spotting/bleeding, they didn’t feel the need to see me. I pushed the issue saying I had 2 other
pregnancies with neither having pain like this and convinced them to see me at
2 pm. I needed to get a little work done
so I took a shower, got ready, headed to the office downstairs and did a little
work. It was 1:15 – we should have been
heading out the door at 1:30 for my appointment… that’s when things went
terribly wrong. In the office, sitting
in my chair in front of my computer, I had a wave of pain that was some of the
most intense feelings I’ve had thus far, then it stopped….. No pain at all…. Then it happened…. I felt like I had started to pee my pants. I sat there for a second trying to understand
why I was peeing when I didn’t feel like I even had to pee… Then it hit me…. BLOOD! I ran to the bathroom as fast as I could and
screamed for DH. When I sat on the
toilet, a gush of things passed from my body.
Blood seemed to be on everything.
All I could do was cry hysterically – this can’t be happening to
me! No one I knew had anything like this
happen to them. Why me?!?!
DH brought me a change of clothes and
we raced to the doctor’s office, strangely getting there at my scheduled
appointment time. They brought me back
rather quickly but annoying wanted a urine sample! Give me a break folks!! Bleeding uncontrollably here!! I asked, rather curtly, if I could provide
one at a later time and they kindly obliged.
First things first – the ultrasound.
I was so scared I was going to have to see something. I didn’t know what to expect. I was afraid the tech was going to show me
something terrible! Luckily, it was a
quick and quiet experience. The monitor
was turned away, she was quick to get what she needed and offered her
condolences as she left with the results.
The doctor and nurse practitioner (who I was scheduled to see) met
together to review the results while I was guided to an exam room. The NP is the one that actually came to
deliver the news. She said that the
ultrasound looked clean. There seemed to
be nothing left of the pregnancy in my uterus.
That means I must have passed the baby at home in the bathroom (I was
heartbroken!). They drew blood to check
my HcG levels and asked I come back on Friday to get a second test…making sure
the pregnancy hormones were dropping appropriately. My activity level wasn’t restricted but they
suggested I go home and take it easy on Wednesday night… We ordered pizza and sat on the couch. I was feeling ok internally by that
evening. The bleeding had practically
stopped. Now we had to figure out how to
readjust our lives after something so traumatic as loosing a baby.
Thursday and Friday came and went. I honestly was feeling OK, not great, or even
good, just OK. Emotionally, I expected
to be frazzled, but physically I just didn’t feel like I was getting back to
normal. Maybe that was normal?!? Who knows – I didn’t know of anyone I could
talk to about it. There was still this
aching in my side that wouldn’t stop! I
kept a heating pad near by to help ease the discomfort. They NP said I would experience cramping for
several days so I could only guess that is what was happening. Saturday, February 4th, good
friends came for the day to hang out.
They have 2 small kids and I just love getting a chance to hang with
them and enjoy their company. DH and
Man-Friend decided they were going to head to our office gym and get a little
basketball time in before dinner. That
left Lady-Friend and I to manage the 5 kids…. No troubles! Haha!!
Poor Lady-Friend! Little did she
know what was going to happen that day!
We were sitting on the floor together playing with Smallest-Friend (
<3 her! ) when the pain in my side got really intense. I tried to move to the couch and use the
heating pad, but it wasn’t helping. I
had to excuse myself to the restroom when I curled into a ball on the toilet
and watched my girl-bleeding get heavy again….
The pain was becoming extremely intense.
I was gone for about 45 minutes in the bathroom trying to get the pain,
and myself, under control. I had to suck
this up! What kind of host leaves their
guest alone for so long, and left her with MY kids! I tried again. Back to the couch with the heating pad and
many apologies. That only lasted 5
minutes! Off I went again to the
bathroom where I threw up because the pain was so intense. At this point I was at a loss… I called a friend that used to work in a OB
office hoping she could at least tell me I wasn’t crazy…
Ring Ring Ring…
Friend: Hello? Judy:
Hi Friend (sniff, tears, sniff) I
need some advice. Friend: Sure, what’s a matter? Judy:
I’m bleeding uncontrollably and cant stand up. Is that normal? Friend:
Judy, Call the Doctor NOW!
Judy: But I have company and I
don’t want to go to the ER…I’m probably fine, right? Friend: Judy, hang up and call the doctor
NOW!! Judy: Ok friend, Thanks for reasoning with me….
Yes, bleeding uncontrollably and unable
to stand up – those are very good reasons to call the doctor! When the after-hours nurse line finally picks
up, they tell me to get my @$$ to the ER right away. What about my guests? What about dinner? What about DH and Man-Friend’s basketball
game?? So many other things I need to
care about, right? When Lady-Friend
finds me in tears and agony, she knocks yet some more sense into me and tells
me to get to the hospital. I call DH and
interrupt their game – which they hurriedly left and tried to race home at
lightning speeds. I assured them I was
fine (telling a bit of a white lie) and made sure they picked up the catering I
ordered this morning from Carrabba’s before coming home. I decided while waiting for him to get home
with Man-Friend and dinner, that telling him to take his time wasn’t in my best
interest. I kind of gave DH the “what in
the H3LL took you so long?” look when he got there (sorry honey!). By 8pm, we got Man and Lady-Friend settled in
with dinner AND our three kids, abandoned them at the house, and left for the
ER. By 8:30 I was hobbling in slowly desperately
gripping my side for relief. I tell the
desk person just what the nurse on the phone told me to….I think I have an
ectopic pregnancy. WHOOSH – away I went
to the back to begin getting worked up!
The doctor on call from the ER was literally walking in the door behind
me. I was so thankful they were slow
that night and quick to help me. The
pain was unbearable! “On a scale of one
to ten, what is your pain level right now?”
I say….20??!!??!! 6cc of morphine
later… “What is your pain level now?”
Pain, what pain?!?!? What a lifesaver
that medicine was! The ultrasound tech
at the hospital was extremely sweet and took her time to explain everything she
was seeing to me…the super-large amount of blood in my abdomen, the inability
to see anything useful because of the blood, and did I mention the blood? She told me this was most likely a ruptured
ectopic pregnancy in my left tube and would need operated on immediately. The OB doc on-call for the evening confirmed
and they swished me back to the OR by 11:00.
The surgery was quick and simple. I think I was in for less than an hour. They had to completely remove the tube and
the doc cleaned up a lot of scar tissue in there due to a previous surgery
(appendectomy) too. 12 hours of hospital
recovery time later, I was on my way home.
A few weeks of bed/couch rest, and a lot of help from family and friends,
and I am pretty much back to normal. The
doctor gives the ok to try again, if we’re ready, after 2 normal
cycles/curses…….
The follow-up:
The emotional drain of loosing a little one is very
challenging. I can’t explain the
feelings you go through and the pain it causes.
DH blamed the birth control since I was probably still finishing up when
the pregnancy happened. I blamed myself
for a while but honestly knew there was nothing I did wrong. It just makes you feel better to point
fingers at something, anything….
I was anxious to finish up my second cycle so we could try
again. I knew for sure I would be
pregnant right away since I was off of the pill for several months. April… May… June… negative!
It was getting discouraging. My
hope was in conceiving again – that would take the pain away and give me a new
life to focus on. I felt foolish for
being so sullen over the continued failures…think of how many people couldn’t
have one baby! Maybe it just wasn’t meant
to be? July 1st I asked DH
for the pill back. I was tired of being
let down. I was tired of trying. I decided that I knew best (silly me) and
thought taking the possibility away would make it less difficult. We could try later – in 6 months to a year –
when things settled a little. When I
felt it was right. I wonder when I’m
ever going to learn that it’s not MY plan that matters?? God had a different plan for this
family. One I was extremely surprised to
learn about only a few days later. DH
and I talked it through and decided the pill wasn’t the best option. We would just let it be…what was going to
happen will be in God’s hands. I only
prayed that I could be settled in that decision
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